not grabbing people’s butts while they walk up the stairs in front of me is the hardest part of my day
you are an olympic diver
you climb up to the diving board
you stretch and position yourself for your jump
you push off the board, do many complicated flips, and dive into the water,
you suddenly start spinning head down in the water
you look around you
the water is spaghetti
you are a fork
- Me: Can I go to the bathroom?
- Teacher: What for?
- Me: TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS What do you fucking think for.
If anybody asks if they know you from somewhere, look them in the eyes and say, “Do you watch porn?”
Please, tell us more about your boyfriend that no one asked you about.